startingover

Starting over:

(This is the last time I'm starting over.) I've typed this storie 4 times.

I took a quantum leap and ended a rage alcoholic marriage. After 28 years I finally woke up and saw the victim roll I had created for myself. I was like Rip Van Wrinkle waking up after 40 years. I thanked God every day for my new freedom and the opportunity to start over. Now I must learn new behavior patterns and unlearn the old ones, which no longer serve me. Why, I wondered had it taken me so long to come out of denial and illusion. I knew it wouldn't be easy to make it on my own, but I was determined to give it a try. I realized I had no self esteem or self confidence and at 48 I wasn't sure where to start redesigning my life, or even if I wanted to. The fear of what would become of me and how was I going to support myself became over whelming. I felt like giving up before I even allowed myself the chance to begin. Somewhere. Anywhere. I recalled my childhood. I had lived with many different people: grandparents, aunt and uncle, eight foster families and when they didn't work out back to the Catholic convent I was sent. I never fit in with any of them. And then at age 15, I married to escape from it and create my own family. All my life I had done menial labor such as housekeeping, maid services and babysitting. I'd worked in a school cafeteria and had been a waitress, I even picked fruit and vegetables. I currently work on the weekends, doing home care for the aged.

Now I wanted something different. I wanted more out of life and to see where my talents laid. As I pondered the possibilities before me, my future seemed hopeless. However with in two months, I decide I needed more education and looked at the classes in Junior college. I enrolled in a six- week reentery course at the college, as I wasn't sure which direction to go. There I met other women, like myself who wanted to start over or change careers. Every day brought new surprises. Speakers showed us how to dress, how to present ourselves, how to write a resume and how to take a test. From this course, I gained a little confidence and discovered college wasn't so scary after all. Now I wanted to explore my cognitive and creative expressions. I was hungry for knowledge but apprehensive about my abilities. Most of my prior education had been self taught though personal experience and reading. I gathered up my courage and enrolled in summer school, for course in Psychology, hoping to gain some insights into myself. Before class started on the first day, I took a walk on the beach. I needed to calm my fears and quiet my anxiety. Finally composed I entered class. My heart sank to my toes. I hadn't expected 18 and 19 year old students to be my classmates, let alone a 15 year old. And I certainly hadn't expected to be older than the teacher. I felt out of place. My peers talked about parties and surfing. Even though I couldn't relate to that , I offered them my smile and hellos .

These kids impressed me with their seeming self confidence and self assurance which I was still trying to acquire. I worked hard in this class. Even though I had studied, read and reread chapters of the text book , I only received a "D" on my first test. I was beginning to think something was wrong with my brain because I couldn't retain this stuff. I wondered if I had lazies in my head. I understood the concepts but found the technical words and theories difficult to remember. I was learning about adaptive and maladaptive behaviors. I was in pain most of the time during class, reliving my life. I questioned why I even needed to learn this stuff. Why I wondered am I putting myself through this torture every day. After a while I began to realize it was probably too soon after the separation to take such a heavy course, especially dealing with maladaptive behavior. But I was determined to stick it out. I managed with much effort to learn the basic patterns of human nature. Three tests latter came the final grade, a "D" again. The 15 year old got an "A". But even though I felt humiliated, I came to terms with my "D" and rejoiced it wasn't an "F". After all, it had been 36 years since my school days and I had only finished the eight grade.

Next , I had to over come my fear of taking the scholastic aptitude tests. Without them I couldn't take English or Math courses required for a degree, as the school

wouldn't know at what level to place me in. Fearing I might be placed back at high school level, I wondered if I should take an IQ test first. Then I'd know if I was smart enough to take the S.A.T. tests and at least save myself the humiliation of failing. As I sat through the 3 hour S.A.T. tests tense and nervous, I worried about my score. Imagine my surprise the following week, when I discovered I had tested out fairly high in English. And in math my score found me eligible to do technical related problems or begining algebra! At last I felt I could learn and nothing was wrong with my mental capacities. So now I plotted my course majoring in English and started out with three classes totaling 11 units. However, before long I could see it was becoming impossible for me to keep up. My homework, my job, getting divorced and dealing with appraisers for the house and furniture, as required by the court, was too much. I couldn't keep making so many demands on myself. I knew I had to drop a class, so I dropped Sociology. This meant I had to go to the teacher and have her sign a card ( so I wouldn't get an F) which meant I couldn't keep up with it all.

With my shame at failure, I no longer found school fun. Once again I was back to surviving instead of living. I wanted to enjoy school, welcoming new and different experiences. But I had mixed feelings, part of me looked forward to new and unexplored areas of my life, and part of me resented having to start over. After all, I had paid my dues raising four kids and being a housewife. Never the less I realized it was important for me to see how far I could stand on my own achievements. Not only was I working on my education, I was discovering my own identity and where I fit in. Next I signed up for a reading course that taught me how to take notes, to read in four different styles and to retain what I read. This valuable course helped me learn study skills instead of thinking there was something wrong with my mind. I was proud when I received a "B"+ in that class. Now with my self confidence restored, I was ready to tackle English. Computers were used to learn in class, a handicap for me, as I didn't even type much less know how to use a computer. But despite my obstacles, spending much time and effort, I struggled through. I'm still not sure where all the commas go, I received a "C".

By now a year had passed. Encouraged by my progress I took an eight week typing course. The complexity of the computer baffled me but I loved all the extras it could do. If only I could remember what key did what, and learn to type too. The class met for two hours, twice a week. I also put in 12 to 14 hours in the lab weekdays and Saturdays trying to master the computer. And turn in my typing homework on time. Despite all the time and effort, all I got was frustrated and a "D". This didn't help my self esteem much, but I was determined to try again. I took a no grade for the remaining four weeks so I could go at my own leisure, and not put added pressure on myself. Then the following semester I thought I would give Sociology another try. The class consisted of lectures, note taking and discussion. I found it boring and wished I had chosen another humanities. instead. My homework assignment was to type a five to seven page term paper which I struggled with for days. Despite a lot of white out on my paper I gave it my best and put it at the bottom of the pile, when I handed it in. Surprisingly I received a "B" for my effort, but I knew I earned it.

After rethinking my goals, I decided I didn't need a Ph.D. at this stage in my life, or even an Associate Degree. While looking for my place in life, I'll continue to take courses that interest me and seem appropriate for my path as it opens before me. Summer arrived and I decided to take a vacation from college. I ended with a "C+" grade point average and 32 credits.

Today I'm proud of the hard work I did for those credits. It was a growing experience to stand and face into the storm, and I take pride in my accomplishments. I overcame my fears and didn't allow them to immobilize me and adjusted to the academic system for the time being. At least, until I decide what to do with the rest of my life.



	Starting over: (This is the last time I'm starting over.) I've typed this storie 4 times. I took a quantum leap and ended a rage alcoholic marriage. After 28 years I finally woke up and saw the victim roll I had created for myself. I was like Rip Van Wrinkle waking up after 40 years. I thanked God every day for my new freedom and the opportunity to start over. Now I must learn new behavior patterns and unlearn the old ones, which no longer serve me. Why, I wondered had it taken me so long to come out of denial and illusion. I knew it wouldn't be easy to make it on my own, but I was determined to give it a try. I realized I had no self esteem or self confidence and at 48 I wasn't sure where to start redesigning my life, or even if I wanted to. The fear of what would become of me and how was I going to support myself became over whelming. I felt like giving up before I even allowed myself the chance to begin. Somewhere. Anywhere. I recalled my childhood. I had lived with many different people: grandparents, aunt and uncle, eight foster families and when they didn't work out back to the Catholic convent I was sent. I never fit in with any of them. And then at age 15, I married to escape from it and create my own family. All my life I had done menial labor such as housekeeping, maid services and babysitting. I'd worked in a school cafeteria and had been a waitress, I even picked fruit and vegetables. I currently work on the weekends, doing home care for the aged. Now I wanted something different. I wanted more out of life and to see where my talents laid. As I pondered the possibilities before me, my future seemed hopeless. However with in two months, I decide I needed more education and looked at the classes in Junior college. I enrolled in a six- week reentery course at the college, as I wasn't sure which direction to go. There I met other women, like myself who wanted to start over or change careers. Every day brought new surprises. Speakers showed us how to dress, how to present ourselves, how to write a resume and how to take a test. From this course, I gained a little confidence and discovered college wasn't so scary after all. Now I wanted to explore my cognitive and creative expressions. I was hungry for knowledge but apprehensive about my abilities. Most of my prior education had been self taught though personal experience and reading. I gathered up my courage and enrolled in summer school, for course in Psychology, hoping to gain some insights into myself. Before class started on the first day, I took a walk on the beach. I needed to calm my fears and quiet my anxiety. Finally composed I entered class. My heart sank to my toes. I hadn't expected 18 and 19 year old students to be my classmates, let alone a 15 year old. And I certainly hadn't expected to be older than the teacher. I felt out of place. My peers talked about parties and surfing. Even though I couldn't relate to that , I offered them my smile and hellos . These kids impressed me with their seeming self confidence and self assurance which I was still trying to acquire. I worked hard in this class. Even though I had studied, read and reread chapters of the text book , I only received a "D" on my first test. I was beginning to think something was wrong with my brain because I couldn't retain this stuff. I wondered if I had lazies in my head. I understood the concepts but found the technical words and theories difficult to remember. I was learning about adaptive and maladaptive behaviors. I was in pain most of the time during class, reliving my life. I questioned why I even needed to learn this stuff. Why I wondered am I putting myself through this torture every day. After a while I began to realize it was probably too soon after the separation to take such a heavy course, especially dealing with maladaptive behavior. But I was determined to stick it out. I managed with much effort to learn the basic patterns of human nature. Three tests latter came the final grade, a "D" again. The 15 year old got an "A". But even though I felt humiliated, I came to terms with my "D" and rejoiced it wasn't an "F". After all, it had been 36 years since my school days and I had only finished the eight grade. Next , I had to over come my fear of taking the scholastic aptitude tests. Without them I couldn't take English or Math courses required for a degree, as the school wouldn't know at what level to place me in. Fearing I might be placed back at high school level, I wondered if I should take an IQ test first. Then I'd know if I was smart enough to take the S.A.T. tests and at least save myself the humiliation of failing. As I sat through the 3 hour S.A.T. tests tense and nervous, I worried about my score. Imagine my surprise the following week, when I discovered I had tested out fairly high in English. And in math my score found me eligible to do technical related problems or begining algebra! At last I felt I could learn and nothing was wrong with my mental capacities. So now I plotted my course majoring in English and started out with three classes totaling 11 units. However, before long I could see it was becoming impossible for me to keep up. My homework, my job, getting divorced and dealing with appraisers for the house and furniture, as required by the court, was too much. I couldn't keep making so many demands on myself. I knew I had to drop a class, so I dropped Sociology. This meant I had to go to the teacher and have her sign a card ( so I wouldn't get an F) which meant I couldn't keep up with it all. With my shame at failure, I no longer found school fun. Once again I was back to surviving instead of living. I wanted to enjoy school, welcoming new and different experiences. But I had mixed feelings, part of me looked forward to new and unexplored areas of my life, and part of me resented having to start over. After all, I had paid my dues raising four kids and being a housewife. Never the less I realized it was important for me to see how far I could stand on my own achievements. Not only was I working on my education, I was discovering my own identity and where I fit in. Next I signed up for a reading course that taught me how to take notes, to read in four different styles and to retain what I read. This valuable course helped me learn study skills instead of thinking there was something wrong with my mind. I was proud when I received a "B"+ in that class. Now with my self confidence restored, I was ready to tackle English. Computers were used to learn in class, a handicap for me, as I didn't even type much less know how to use a computer. But despite my obstacles, spending much time and effort, I struggled through. I'm still not sure where all the commas go, I received a "C". By now a year had passed. Encouraged by my progress I took an eight week typing course. The complexity of the computer baffled me but I loved all the extras it could do. If only I could remember what key did what, and learn to type too. The class met for two hours, twice a week. I also put in 12 to 14 hours in the lab weekdays and Saturdays trying to master the computer. And turn in my typing homework on time. Despite all the time and effort, all I got was frustrated and a "D". This didn't help my self esteem much, but I was determined to try again. I took a no grade for the remaining four weeks so I could go at my own leisure, and not put added pressure on myself. Then the following semester I thought I would give Sociology another try. The class consisted of lectures, note taking and discussion. I found it boring and wished I had chosen another humanities. instead. My homework assignment was to type a five to seven page term paper which I struggled with for days. Despite a lot of white out on my paper I gave it my best and put it at the bottom of the pile, when I handed it in. Surprisingly I received a "B" for my effort, but I knew I earned it. After rethinking my goals, I decided I didn't need a Ph.D. at this stage in my life, or even an Associate Degree. While looking for my place in life, I'll continue to take courses that interest me and seem appropriate for my path as it opens before me. Summer arrived and I decided to take a vacation from college. I ended with a "C+" grade point average and 32 credits. Today I'm proud of the hard work I did for those credits. It was a growing experience to stand and face into the storm, and I take pride in my accomplishments. I overcame my fears and didn't allow them to immobilize me and adjusted to the academic system for the time being. At least, until I decide what to do with the rest of my life.